happy mothers day

One year ago,
my whole world was shaken.

From this bad dream I wondered,
would I awaken?

Days and months go by,
and I'm still living.

I'm lost without you
and we're still grieving.

One day we'll move on
and that day will come..

Until then we'll keep going,
until we're called Home.

Today I'm choosing..

Today I'm choosing to be happy.

I woke up this morning and for some reason, felt peace within my self.

I don't know what broke the chain of bad days, what broke the days of sadness and depression. maybe it's the sunshine? maybe it's the smiles on my kids faces? I don't know but I'll take it.

Here's a little update on my little family.

Last week we took a trip to NC to visit my grandma and visit some extended family and we had a blast. The hotel we stayed in was amazing, we had the indoor pool all to ourselves which the kids LOVED, the kids were on their best behaviors and we saw most of those we went to see.  We didnt get to all the sites we wanted but you know what, we still had a great time. We took my 15 yr old niece with us and I truly think she had a great time as well.

Cassidy turns 7 tomorrow. Ack! how in the world did my baby get so big? She's having a cupcake themed party and so, we'll have a decorate your own cupcake table.

I'm scared..

haha! No, not really. I think it's going to be alot of fun.

We just got a new porch swing and I'm beyond excited about being able to actually sit outside and enjoy the night air. (also means I'll be able to get my hubby out from in front of the tv to sit out and chat with me ;-) oh year, alterior motive lol!)

Cameron got accepted into the gifted 7th grade math program. I should be hearing some more about that here soon. The program he will be in, basically means he'll learn 2 years of math in 7th grade as opposed to 1 year at a normal pace. He seems excited because he LOVES math. Me? Not so much.. I can barely balance a checkbook haha!!!


Micah and I are doing well. We've both been busy. Him with work, me with stuff around the house, End of year PTA stuff and babysitting. On top of all that, my brother decided my niece needed homeschooled for some really awful behavior and so now, I've added homeschooler onto my bucket list. Oy! does it ever end?


Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

I used to be happy...

I used to be able to come whenever I could and post happy updates and all I seem to be able to do since the beginning of the year is complain and post downers... that sucks.

I want to be happy. I want things to fall into place and I want to have my rainbow baby my heart years with love for. Instead, each and every month, I get disappointed and heartbroken all over again.

Every month it seems like I have things to remind me of how I didn't get what I so desperately wanted.

This month?

7 facebook friends are having babies, 3 of which are single unmarried couples who fight constantly, who break up often and get back together and already struggle providing for their children they currently have. 2 of those friends have 4+ children and these new little bundles were all unplanned, and the remaining 2? they are couples who have had problems in the past and are truly prepared/excited for these upcoming arrivals.

My heart wants to be happy for all of my friends but in my heart, I ache for myself, for my husband and for my children bc our family doesn't feel complete and it appears I am unable to provide exactly what we need to make our family complete.

Will I ever be able to make our family complete?

I guess only time will tell.

I want to post something happy.

I truly honestly want to post something happy and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Almost all of my posts since Jan 1 have been sad :( I'm gonna change that.

Is everything in my life better? Nope. Is everyone in my life doing better? Nope.

I am,however, choosing to be positive and know things happen for a reason.
Kids are doing wonderful. Cameron is getting really good grade (except for that pesky C+, but that's a post for another time.) He's doing wonderful in Orchestra and Loves his Viola. Cassidy is doing great in school, also. She's getting better with her reading and she's able to sound out more words without as much help! She gets so excited when she realizes she sounded out a word and it's right! I still have a hard time believeing that my kids are 12 and almost 7. Where did the time go?

Happy Valentines Day.

Today is Valentines Day. Today is the one day per year that is so commercialized that it's almost comical to see what people purchase for each other.  Today is that day our heart swells just a little bit more as we look at all we have been blessed with and those people who mean something special.

I ran across this blog A Dollop Of My Life and she's hosting a Love Letter Link up. She's encouraging readers to link up and write a love letter to someone who has an impact in their life; husband, kids, mom, dad, etc.

I'm going to write a letter to join in, however, I'm not writing to any of those above mentioned people. Instead, I'm going to write a love letter to my dear friend who, unknowingly, I'm sure will never understand the impact she has on my life.

To my sweetest friend,

        Back then I honestly, just didn't care for people not in my comfort zone. Then I got married and started my own family, stepped outside my comfort zone, and made myself talk to you. As we got to know each other, I realized we had alot in common. Our common goals of family, our goals of bettering ourselves in Christ and as wives. Then I experienced a loss you didn't know how to help me through and we lost touch. Catching up to a couple of years back, I heard the  most wonderful news that you were expecting and I was so excited for your new family.  We reconnected through a social website and I can say truly, without a doubt, You are one of my most favorite people ever. We may not speak often but when we do, our conversations have so much meaning and are so very special to me. We're at similar places in our lives because over the course of the last year, we've both experienced losses that neither expected to ever face again. Here I am, almost 10 months later, finally coming to term with my situation and my heart was broken recently when I found out that you, also, just experienced the same tragedy. But we're both moving on, we're both searching for peace,  we're growing in our relationship with our husband's, our children and most importantly, Christ. Even if our paths never cross again, if we're not in the same place at the same time again, I want you to know you hold a special part in my heart. Thank you for being my friend.

 

13 years.

13 years ago today in an unfamiliar doctor's office, Micah and I held hands, prayed and then said goodbye to our very first sweet babe together. 13 years ago, our hearts were aching for the loss of our first child together, a child we prayed for, a child we concieved the very first month we tried, a babe we lost 3 short weeks after a positive pregnancy test.

Tonight as I tucked my children into bed, an extra cuddle, an extra prayer for peace, an extra good night kiss was given.

My heart still counts the days. I never forget. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of the baby that went home with Jesus. A baby that just 8 1/2 short months ago, gained a new sibling in heaven. So today as we mourn the loss and light our candle for the angel we lost so long ago, we also remember our most recent loss.

Will we get another chance to add to our family? Will God Bless Us again? I know He has a plan for us and while I'd love to be able to see the future, for now, we continue to try and we pray for His guidance and his blessings.

Tonight, my first child dances in heaven, joined by a sweet sibling and a dear friends' sweet little ones who have joined them in heaven.

Our Angels are singing and I know they are at peace.

In loving memory of our sweet babies, ~Caleb~ & ~Carys~.

This weekend

as I chase around a houseful of kids, as a note to myself, I will find a moment to reflect. This Saturday will mark the 13th anniversary of when our first baby left my body to be with Jesus. 13 years and my heart aches the same today as it did then. We'll never forget. We'll tell *his* story.

We'll light a candle and I'll spend some time in prayer with hopes for the future as well as thoughts of "what if's" but I'll be thankful for the life we have now.

My kids are my life and even though things aren't moving along at the rate I'd like for them to, I know who's in charge of my life, the One who's in charge of all our lives.

This weekend, we'll remember.

~Caleb~ January 21, 1999
Forever in my heart.

Tonight I want to be mad...

I want to be sad. I want to be angry. I want to be mad.

Tonight, I'm going to be grateful, I'm going to feel blessed, I'm going to share the love.

Things aren't working out the way I always dreamed they would. I'm not yet pregnant with that rainbow baby my heart is craving. I'm not pleased with the way my patience has been going lately.

Tonight, I'm a mom to 2 wonderful beautiful kids. Tonight, I'm the wife of an incredible amazing man. Tonight, I'm trying to be the friend that my friends need. Tonight, I'm going to be the praying person Jesus wants me to be.

Tonight I'm grateful for my life, my family and my friends. Tonight I'm grateful because I can be and I will be.

Once I believed in happy ever after...

and then hearts get broken, we lose family we love, everyone argues and goes a separate way.

9 days into the new year and I honestly can't tell you anything that has went perfect or heck, even well for us since 12:01 am on January 1st.

I'm sick.
Micah's sick.
Both kids are fighting off icky colds.

Pets are being grouchy with the humans and amongst themselves.

It's not a bad life, just a bad day. many of them in a row.

Nice.

4 days into the new year

and already my prayers outweigh the Pits, Peaks and Praises of the day.

My heart is heavy with hurt, sadness, disappointment for my friends and family who are suffering such difficulties.

My goal for 2012 is to keep a daily accurate account of important things that happen in my life so I can look back at the end of the year and see that even though the days flew by (don't they always?) I live a full and typically happy life.

As I tucked my children into bed tonight, I hugged them each a little tighter, a little longer and kissed them an extra kiss because I want them always to know they are my life, my world, my reason for being.

As I head to bed in a few minutes and cuddle up close to my husband, I hope he always knows he is my best friend, my true love, my soul mate, the one He created for me.

These 3 beings who are my family, they are my reasons for living, for getting up daily and carrying on. My days may not run smooth, my days may be hectic and crazy, frustrating and disappointing, and then sometimes they run smooth as silk, calm and slow, happy and patience, they are my whole world.

<3

I cry

I cry for a loss of my own. I cry for a loss for a friend.
I cry today for the loss of so many babies that never got the chance for us to meet.

I cry because my heart hurts that we're good moms and our babies went to live in Heaven before we got the chance to know them.

I cry because our souls ache for these tiny souls who were taken too soon.

I cry because we'll never get to know our babies, or what our lives would have been like, what our families would become.

I cry with anger, I cry with heartache, I cry because I'm heartbroken.

New Year 2012

Happy New Year!!

I wish I could come and post happy things and I will, in time. For right now, before I reflect on our lives through the last 12 months, my heart is heavy. Heavy with loss.

See, I have this friend. A dear friend I met many years ago through my brother in law. A dear friend who has a beautiful 4 year old daughter who is just precious. A dear friend who lost a baby more then a year ago. A dear friend who learnt today that she has once again lost a sweet babe. My heart aches for her because you see, she was finally ready to open her heart to trying again for a baby.  How my heart aches for her and for her loss because I've been there and my loss is still fresh in my mind. I wish I could hug her and lend her an ear. I wish there were something I could do to let her know she'll be ok, but I can't. I can tell her how sorry I am and how I understand (because I truly do understand) but what I can't do is tell her how she should feel.  She's been there before, she knows the emotions and the stages of grief, she knows that in time her body will heal, but the loss and pain in her heart, I don't know how to tell someone else how to heal because I'm not fully healed myself.

What a blessing it would have been had we both been pregnant together but my body said No, this past month, I was so hopeful and those plans were dashed when that dreaded monthly visitor showed up.

I want to hug her and just sit with her while she grieves but we're really far apart distance wise so for now, I'll pray for her. I'll pray for peace and understanding, I'll pray for healing.

I'll pray for my friend, because right now, that is what will help her most.

I love you dear friend and you're in my thoughts.

Holidays 2011

The holidays this year have so far been tough. Thanksgiving came and went and all my heart felt was the sadness that an empty belly brings. My due date from the pregnancy we lost came and went and my heart shattered all over again. 7 months later and no new babe cooking in my belly and no healing for my heart. I struggle with depression regarding the situation and can't seem to shake it.  Every month, my heart hardens but every.single.month. it shatters once again. February will be here soon and my time is soon coming to an end. I know God doesn't make mistakes but I can't make peace, not just yet.  Christmas 2011 will be here in 2 weeks and I just can't get into the Holiday Spirit. I am very blessed with the husband and children I have but my heart craves and aches for those 2 tiny souls who never made it to earth. My heart aches with sadness and the "what ifs" just can't leave me alone. I long to gaze into a tiny baby's eyes and feel my heart flood with a new kind of love. I love to hold that tiny sweet babe to my chest and know I did it, I created that sweet little person and my heart will finally be full again.
As we approach Christmas and the joyful reason we celebrate, I will rejoice in the Reason for the Season but I won't forget and my thoughts won't be too far behind.

Christmas this year will be a blessed occasion but it will also be a constant reminder of what we lost this year.

My lovely pets

Today I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner blog and sharing with you about my pets! We've become somewhat known as the "crazy pet people" In our home currently, we have 1 small chihuahua, 2 fiesty but lovable kitties, 2 tiny turtles and one monster fish.

Our puppy is our newest pet, We got her in late April (little known fact, we got her the day I miscarried.) I sometimes think of her as our baby that God chose for us instead since she semi-fell into our laps!

Lizzie is our female kitty, Spunky our male kitty. Lizzie we've had since June of 2009 and Spunky joined us even earlier as our first pet back in June of 2007.

Teeny and Hugo are our turtles. Hugo we've had since 2009 and Teeny we aquired recently from my mom when she didn't want him anymore. They are tiny red eared sliders we bought when we were on vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC.

Our fish, our MONSTER fist is MR. FISH. Yes, in all caps because he really is a MONSTER. He will follow your every move while waiting for you to feed him, all the while making you think he's thinking "come closer, and I'll eat you for dinner.

All in all, we're pretty happy with our current pets even if there are many LOL!

Not Me Monday

I'm joining up once again with MckMama and Not Me Mondays. 
This week it surely was "not me" that avoided making dinner one night until it was too late to have an actual meal so we ended up with pepperoni slices, cheese cubes and crackers! This week it was "not me" that left an entire pile of mail unopened on the kitchen counter in hopes that someone other then me would look thru them for the bills and magically find some money to pay them all. This week it was "not me" that realized had my last pregnancy continued I would be less then 8 weeks from delivery. In less then 8 weeks we'd be delivering our 3rd (4th) sweet babe and my heart broke just a little more. 
You can link up as well. Visit MckMama and link up!

That moment..

I'm sure we've all had "that moment". The moment that makes your heart beat faster, makes you stop and pause, makes you reflect and for just a moment think "what if..". Yep that moment.

I had that moment yesterday. As I walked through a local store, only mildly aware of the music playing above me, I hear those few chords of a song begin to play. The song "Held - Natalie Grant"

http://youtu.be/i-hJ87ApWtw

Makes my heart burn and my eyes fill with tears. each and every time I hear it.

I know everything happens for a reason. Doesn't mean it's any easier.

15 years (written - should be posted 8/25/2011)

Today marks 15 years. 15 since one of my brother's oldest and dearest friends was taken from our lives thru a meaningless traffic accident. An accident that also involved one of my best friends. An accident that took not only my brother's friend but also a child in the same car and paralyzed another.

15 years ago we got the call about the accident, rushed to the hospital and I still remember collapsing when the doctor came out of the OR. My heart, I swear, burst into a million pieces. Jody was like my brother. He was always there, always knew he would be part of our family and then... he was gone.

My friend was driving the other car that hit the one he was riding in. She caused the accident because as the papers stated, she looked down to change the radio station. Her younger brother was in the car and had to have surgery to repair damage to his face from the accident.

It took me MANY many years to find peace in my heart for both him and her. My heart still hurts when I think about how life could have ended up.

He may be gone but he'll never be forgotten. I still think about him from time to time. When I'm home in my hometown, I still visit his grave and place new flowers. He was a huge part of my life back in time and he'll always be in my heart.

Organization

So today I'm linking up with Sara over at

Sweet Lil Gals



In her blog yesterday she asks for some organizational tips and advice on how to get things done in a timely manner.

My tips?

1) A good planner. I prefer one that only has the months and not the actual weeks bc I feel like having to sort thru all those pages makes me less likely to write in it. I write down everything I plan for the week as well as everything I've went and done so I can look back and see where I spent the majority of my time.

2) a cleaning calender. I bought one of the chore boards for kids and use it for myself. Laundry every other day, vacumning once a day, bathrooms, etc. Each chore has a specific day and I hold myself to it.

3) toys toys toys. We all have them and some more then others. I babysit, sometimes as many as 7-8 extra kids per day but walking in my house, you would never know it. I set an alarm for every 3 hours. When the timer dings, We do a quick 10 min pick up! Toys in the floor go back in their bins or back to the kids rooms. Trash is thrown away, blankets/pillows picked up out of the floor. Believe it or not, 3x a day for a total of 30 min will make your house appear super clean.

4) Blogging. As you can tell if you look back thru my blog, I don't do it often. I would love to but don't have enough followers to really spend the time. For those who do, I say set a timer or blog in the evening when the kids are first in bed; or first thing in the morning while kids are having breakfast.

These aren't great tips but they are my tips and the way I get things accomplished :)




Joy

It's been a while..

Alot has happened since I last wrote.

I lost a sweet precious babe at 9w1d. Total devastation and heartache.

Less then 2 weeks after having surgery, we welcomed my new niece. Holding her for the first time was a feeling I'll never be able to explain. Total love and devotion, while at the same time, I was filled with so much heartache for my own loss. Celebrating one life while mourning the loss of a life that didnt get a chance to be.

She's a beautiful baby girl and we're blessed to welcome her into our lives.

My nephew turned 2. Cassidy turned 6. Kids finished school, got great grades and are moving on to new grades come the fall; Cameron moves into 6th grade, Cassidy is a full time first grader. *sigh* Kids grow up too fast.

That's all for now..

My day in numbers...

5 - kids at my house by 730 am.
2 - little boys I took care of today
6 - diapers I changed
2 - meals I fixed for the boys
2 - girlies I picked up from school
4 - kids I had to take into the post office just for a book of stamps
14 - ww points I've used for the day.
15 - ww points I have left
2 - hours before I need my husband home so I can head to my PTA event
3 - people I need to make dinner for
3 - people I'm meeting at my PTA event
1 - flower arrangement I need to get on my way
1 - card I also need to pick up
7 - hours before I can go to bed